2. Practice for those half-time throwing contests. 
 
Someone out there is bound to get the call that goes something like this: Congratulations Mr. So-and-so! You have won the Dr. Pepper Quarterback Contest. You will have a chance to win up to one million dollars by throwing a football through a hole in a giant can from particular distances. We’ll send over a trainer to give you some pointers that you almost certainly won’t listen to. Good luck! 
 
Here’s my advice: Take a picture of someone you hate (pretty much any reality television star should do) and tape it to a tree in the backyard at eye level, assuming you’re an average height. Once the picture is posted to that tree, round up some footballs and commence the firing squad. Add some yelling (“Die, Kardashians!”) for bonus calorie burning. Additionally, any pent-up anger can be released healthily as you prepare for the chance to win big bucks. Killing two birds with one football! 
 
Of course, if you get the call from a low budget soft drink company, don’t be surprised if they simply paint the “hole” on the can.

3. Change your allegiance weekly based on the team receiving the most hype.

This is the “If you can’t beat ’em, join ‘em” mantra. What fun is it to wait for weeks at a time to see your team get some decent coverage? Solve that problem by declaring yourself the biggest bandwagon jumper in history. If you actually admit to bandwagon-jumping, no one can give you a hard time about it. There’s some law about it somewhere I’m sure. 
 
Warning: Be wary of holding on too long. You may get stuck in a conversation with a legitimate fan of the team whose wagon you’ve held on to. This could result in appearing foolish and being ostracized. Packers’ fans might stuff Limburger down your shorts and Raiders’ fans might try to stab you.

4. Hibernate.

Remember all those sick days and vacation days that you stored away? Alright, so you used them all up. Find a friend who’s a doctor and convince him to write you a note saying that you can’t work for awhile. Yes, it’s juvenile, but once the NFL season starts, you will have slept so much that you won’t be drowsy for the entire season. The NFL Network’s ratings will skyrocket as fans across the country watch day and night. Of course, job production will dip dramatically, but we can’t be bothered by unimportant things of that nature.

5. Begin lobbying for your favorite artist as a half-time show performer. 
 
We can do better. All NFL fans should make this their crusade. If you don’t want to fight for your favorite act, there are plenty of acts that have little talent and basically make people want to either fall asleep or throw up. It may as well be someone you want to see fall flat on their face. A train wreck seems to grab attention.
 
I’m glad we’ve moved on from older acts. Don’t get me wrong, the Rolling Stones, The Who, Tom Petty, etc. are a great rock bands, well, they were about 30-40 years ago. And Mick Jagger in a belly shirt? (Gouge out my eyes.) But Coldplay, Katy Perry, Bruno Mars, and Beyonce don’t make me think football either. We can all continue to complain if we futilely try to change the way it is.

6. Invent new broadcast calls and record them. 
 
Fire up the laptop and start creating broadcasting greatness. Take this gem for instance: 
 
Sanchez takes the ball, he scrambles left, he scrambles right, he pitches back to no one in particular, he scrambles and kicks the ball, it rolls toward the sideline but he gets a hold of it and flings it downfield towards the end zone. It looks like he’s looking for Demaryius. Demaryius jumps, and he comes down with it! Incredible catch! Five yards out of bounds.
 
If Demaryius actually catches the ball, I assume that kind of play will take place three or four times a game so that call really comes in handy. Take your favorite team, or that current bandwagon team, and start making the calls. You really can’t do much worse than the actual commentators.

7. Walk-on and tryout as a kicker for an NFL team near you. 
 
It’s my dream job, remember? Visit your local high school and practice kicking through the uprights. Otherwise, take up soccer (the longer route). The job still pays great compared to a regular job and you can still be fairly lazy. 
 
If you’re really serious, you’ll need to send me $12.95 for my new book, The Kicking System, which will have you missing extra points in no time. If you’re a sucker enough to buy my book, I also happen to have a DVD companion titled You Really Gave Me Another $12.95?

8. Prepare your resume’. 
 
Send your paperwork into the NFL league offices and apply for the job of Commissioner. What have you got to lose? At worst, you can tell future employers that you were being considered for the job of NFL Commissioner (just don’t mention that consideration lasted as long as it took them to toss the envelope in a trash bin). The scrutiny around Goodell makes this somewhat believable.

9. Send fan mail to your favorite player. 
 
Start typing. Send some personal letters to your favorite player. Include candid photos so that the player gets to know you pretty well. 
 
Heck, why stop there? Find out where your favorite player lives and hand deliver your letters and photos to him. It will really express your appreciation of that player and it happens to save on postage. And what fun is sending an email at three in morning? That isn’t the right level of commitment. However, hiding out in the bushes of someone’s home at three in the morning is true dedication as a fan. If anyone hears you in the bushes, consider it a ‘photo-op’ and have a camera ready.

Your favorite player will almost certainly take notice of your incredible support. (As for the photos, I recommend blurring the face so you can’t be picked out in a police lineup.) If you deliver enough letters, you might be lucky enough to get an autograph, even if it is on a court affidavit or restraining order.